


I hate you for what you took from me

by Wiccan507



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Grief, I cried writing it, Mourning, My friends cried reading it, this is very painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 19:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wiccan507/pseuds/Wiccan507
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ONE-SHOT. Stiles literally takes a bullet for Derek and doesn't make it, we are left to see how Stiles's decision really affected Derek even when he wasn't around to see it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I hate you for what you took from me

**Author's Note:**

> I want to apologise for writing this because it's just painful, there's no relief, I'm so sorry.

              None of the wolves heard the shooter, all too busy celebrating defeating the hunters. But Stiles he had been facing the position of the shooter. He wouldn’t have even noticed him if the sun hadn’t reflected of his scope. It all kind of happened in slow motion at first, like the world had slowed so he could do something. It probably wasn’t a smart decision but they needed Derek more than they needed him, so he made his decision he moved in front of Derek. Then everything went back to normal, everything went back to normal speed, he felt as Derek wrapped his arms around his middle and lowered him to the floor. He watched as Scott and Isaac ran towards the shooter, Lydia fell beside him her hands fluttering like she didn’t know where she could touch. He felt himself shift as Derek moved to a more comfortable position. 

“Stiles. Stiles, listen to me, I’m gonna give you the bite okay?” That’s not what he wanted though, once maybe but not now, not after everything. He couldn’t be that, he couldn’t become a werewolf.

“No. Please Derek…” He tried to look him in the eyes, to convey every feeling he had, Derek gave a short nod and for all intents and purposes he was composed but Stiles could see it. The twitch off his eyebrow, the tremble in his lower lip and Stiles knew that Derek didn’t want him to die, didn’t agree with him, was itching to sink his teeth in and change him. It wouldn’t be long now, the shooter was trained, knew where to hit Derek to kill him instantly, but Stiles he was just a little shorter and not as broad, the bullet still fatal but gave him a few more minutes. The pain was excruciating but he’d had worse hadn’t he, this wouldn’t last long, he would have relief soon, it would be okay then. Blinking was harder, he didn’t want to keep his eyes open anymore, just wanted to sleep. He barely registered the sounds of his pack around him. He knew Scott’s voice, could pick it out in any crowd and he was screaming now, screaming for Derek to do something, to help him. He felt it first, the drop of water, assumed it was Lydia crying, she wasn’t beside him anymore, he turned with so much effort towards Derek and there it was, the tears that strolled down his cheeks and hit Stiles’s face.

“I’m sorry Der…” He didn’t have much strength, didn’t have much more than that, his world was crashing down to just him and Derek. The faint smell of leather and the forest after a rainfall that was all he needed. That was the smell he always associated with pack and he couldn’t do much more than inhale it. No it wasn’t really long after that, wasn’t really long at all.

* * *

                There weren’t a lot of people to attend the funeral; the years helping the pack had left Stiles with few friends and distant family. Not that he would have ever changed his mind about it though, he loved the pack more than anything and he had everything when his dad found everything out. The headstone was simple and placed beside Claudia Stilinski, ‘Stiles Stilinski’ his dad had agreed that that would have been the name he would have wanted ‘Saved more lives than anyone knows’ and of course people may not believe it but he did, saved so many people and had no recognition. The ceremony went by faster for Derek; he’d already been to so many funerals in his life that he knew it word for word.

“Derek?” Derek looked in to The Sheriff’s eyes and he looked so empty and so emotionless that he reminded Derek of himself before he’d come back to Beacon Hills.

“I’m so sorry, this was my fault, I should have protected him better.” John didn’t really say much to that just nodded his head and dragged his hand across his shoulder. He seemed to be consoling Derek but all Derek had lost was a friend and John had just lost the thing that meant the most to him in this world. Derek was the last to leave the grave, he didn’t want to leave Stiles alone, he knew Stiles would have done the same for him. But then it would never have been Stiles’s fault if Derek died, but this was, Derek had promised himself no one else would die, he would never lose another member of his family. And now he had, he’d failed himself, but more importantly he failed Stiles. He moved away from the grave and headed towards his car, he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t keep fighting only to lose everyone, and he only made it worse.

* * *

                Derek hadn’t been outside in weeks, he didn’t bother leaving his apartment, didn’t bother going to see anyone. He knew how they felt, knew they blamed him for not reacting quick enough, for not protecting the most important member. People had tried to come see him, first Isaac, then Allison and then Lydia. Scott never came and Derek understood because he could barely look at himself in the mirror, he could never stand Scott looking at him with disgust and hate. He stood to get another beer, kicked the take out boxes and the other bottles out of the way before going in to the kitchen. Food delivery’s made it easier to never leave. He added a little bit of wolfs bane to every beer, he wouldn’t get drunk but he’d be out of it enough to never remember Stiles’s face as his life drained away. He was half way in the living-room when Scott pushed the door open, he hadn’t even heard him coming, god he was fucked up.

“You need to stop this Derek.”

“Go away Scott.”

“You need to get your stupid ass out of this hole and come help us.”

“And let one of you die as well I don’t think so.” He wasn’t expecting the punch, he probably should have been, he would have punched himself if he could. Scott eyes were filled with pure rage, there wasn’t anything else there and it was all directed at Derek. He didn’t need to fight back, he deserved everything he got.

“Do you think you deserve this Derek?” Scott punched him in the stomach.

“Because you let him die!” Punch to the jaw.

“Because you didn’t give him the bite! Because you could have and should have saved him!” Two punches to his face. Scott grabbed him and using all his strength shoved him up against the wall. He was in Derek’s face now.

“Hit me! Kill me! I deserve to die Scott, he should never have died, I should have saved him!” Derek slid down the floor and he just landed on his knees in front of Scott. “Please just do it, please just slit my throat.” He fisted his hands in Scott’s shirt and begged him over and over again. He felt Scott lay a hand on the back of his head and he couldn’t do anything now, he hadn’t let his tears fall since the day of Stiles’s death but now he couldn’t hold it back anymore. Scott didn’t move he just let Derek cry in to his shirt.

“Derek listen to me, I told you what you wanted to hear but it’s not true. It wasn’t your fault; it will never be your fault. He died because he loved you and he wanted to save you, I know it’s easier to blame yourself than face the fact that he’s gone but you need to help us. Because if you don’t, he died for nothing, and Stiles Stilinski cannot die for nothing.”

“I can’t do it Scott, not this time.” Scott pulled Derek’s hands from him and kneeled down in front of him; he grabbed Derek’s shoulders and forced him to look at him.

“I don’t blame you Derek, I never blamed you. And Stiles he always forgave you, but if you do this he won’t. ” Derek knew he was right, Stiles would never forgive him if he let him die for nothing, if he let Stiles give his life for a hopeless cause. He knew Scott would pick up on the change in his smell, the uptick of his heart, and he would know that Derek was not going to let Stiles be remembered for this. Scott put his forehead against Derek’s.

“I’m sorry you never got to tell him Derek.” And that’s all it took for Derek to face the one thing he’d been ignoring, the constant ache that had been in his heart since Stiles rejected the bite, he couldn’t stop the tears then, they came freely and Derek could do nothing but grab on to the back of Scott’s shirt and try and surround himself with the smell of pack. Scott pushed his arms around Derek and just let him hang on “Don’t shut us out Derek, were gonna get through this as a pack.”

* * *

                It had been exactly 6 months since Stiles had died in Derek’s arms. Derek stepped up to Stiles’s grave and set down the small bouquet of flowers in front of the head stone.

“So I’m going to a therapist, Scott figured I should. I wasn’t exactly dealing with your death well. I was supposed to come here two months ago; I just couldn’t bring myself to walk through those damn gates. She told me that I have a lot of anger, which is something you told me every day so no surprise there. But she thinks it’s mostly directed at you now, and apparently I need to tell you that. So here goes…I hate you. I do, I hate you so much for not letting me give you the bite Stiles, it would have taken one bite and you would be alive, you would be here. You should never have stepped in front of that bullet for me; I didn’t deserve it. My life for yours is the worst fucking deal on the planet, because I’m not worth it. You were; you would have done so much more and so much better than me. Because right now I am failing Stiles, I’m not a good alpha without you, I don’t know how the hell to control Lydia or Scott, but you did and you would be so much better at this than me.  I hate that you left me here Stiles. You fucking left me, so you could be what a god damn fucking hero!” Derek was fisting his hair and he kneeled down beside the headstone. “I just want to know why? Why you would do this? You know I needed you and you still did it, still gave yourself up for me.” Derek wiped away the tears with the back of his sleeve and pushed himself up till he was standing. He stood at the end of Stiles’s grave and let out a soft humourless laugh before pushing his hands in to his pocket. “You always said that one day we would come to blows and we would just admit how we felt, and you always thought it would be you that went first. Well you fucked that up didn’t you?” Derek closed his eyes and let the warm breeze brush over him before he straightened himself up. “I tried to force myself to hate you, to be so mad but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live with this constant ache because I know I’m lying. So I guess I get to say it first…I do love you, and that’s why I hate you because this shouldn’t be where I say it for the first time. It should have been over dinner or in bed on a lazy Sunday. It should have only been like this when we were old and it was the last time we said it. But all that was taken from me and all I can say now is goodbye.” Derek turned on his heel and he walked out of the cemetery, he didn’t look back and he didn’t think about what this meant. He climbed in the Camaro and just sat, he breathed in and out to calm his racing heart. He started the car and now he looked back. It would be a long time before he ever found the courage to come back to see him, to come back and apologise, to just come back.

“Goodbye Stiles.” 


End file.
